I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
