but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
