okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
