I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
