Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She's the barista slut.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize