Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
