Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
