Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
