I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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