I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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