If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
