It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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