Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
