After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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