the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
