true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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