the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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