Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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