What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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