I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just gift wrapped bread.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
