apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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