Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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