Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
