The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
