please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
