what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
