Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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