Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
