1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
