Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
