I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
