So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
