I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
