I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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