Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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