Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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