ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We left the knife in your bed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
