he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
