Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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