I think my fart just growled at me.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
