Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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