I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
