I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
