I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
