oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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