HIV tests are more positive than that guy
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
even my farts smell like vagina
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
