GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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