This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
