Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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