apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
