so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
